penny lane speaks

2006-11-19T05:10:00.000+08:00

i've outgrown whitebeachchairs and sunnyblueskies. moved.

2006-11-13T09:22:00.000+08:00

There are no guarantees in life
Not for the present,
Nor for the future.
All I know is
That I'm here;
Don't know for how long.
I love the way
You live so intensely
Enjoy every minute of life
With space to swing
Your arms around
Laughing loudly

Unlike me
Unlike me
Do you think I'm strange?
Unlike you
Unlike you
I am not pretending
----------------------
humpty dumpty sat on the wall,
humpty dumpty had a great fall.

if love was enough, it would glue all the cracked-up humpty dumpties in the world back together again.

2006-11-09T14:19:00.000+08:00

these days a lump has been in my gullet. it was a aching flaming wound and everything i swallowed hurt. not much slithered down that downtrodden hose and for a few days, that pain was good. the parchedness and hunger was good. it was fuel and sustenance for me.

i lament its loss as i scribble frantically mathematical proofs. once again, i've healed over. was it in sula i read that "the only hell is change"? yes, change is hellish. whatever happened to the constancy, the reliability, the distraction and the relief that physical pain brings? odd as it is, i'm looking forward to the next kind of pain in my life. at least nursing myself takes me back to a more primal state. there, i don't need a heart and soul, just a body. not just a body, but a broken body. solace lies in this broken body, like hunger finds its end in broken bread.

i think i've spent too much time with underground man, and tunnelled too deep into his psyche that i, too, feel as though i need to find respite in some crazed volition. so let the underground take me too - it feels like a better place where reason is scoffed at and no haranguing. just peace of mind even in the face of irrationality.

at least i won't feel guilt letting the saltiness spill out.
------
i'm getting too emotional. damn you society.

2006-11-07T20:15:00.000+08:00

:( i got locked out of my room after a long hard day of writing my huma paper. i am really despondent now. help.

Sula/a ship abuoy

2006-11-05T09:17:00.000+08:00

...Eva mused over the perfection of the judgment against her. She remembered the wedding dream and recalled that weddings always meant death. And the red gown, well that was the fire, as she should have known. She remembered something else too, and try as she might to deny it, she knew that as she lay on the ground trying to drag herself through the sweet peas and clover to get to Hannah, she had seen Sula standing on the back porch just looking. When Eva, who was never one to hide the faults of her children, mentioned what she thought she'd seen to a few friends, they said it was natural. Sula was probably struck dumb, as anybody would be who saw her own mamma burn up. Eva said yes but inside she disagreed and remained convinced that Sula had watched Hannah burn not because she was paralyzed but because she was interested...
(sula, a lovely book by toni morrison)
-----
psychosis of the human spirit: it turns one shades darker insidiously and inperturbably just like how we at the u of c balloon outwards as we gorge ourselves on oily american dorm food. we don't notice the degradation and stench until we return to whence we came and smell feel touch our foulness. were we born without discernment? do we always need a nanny to babysit our every move for guilt to set in and transform? i think we do. i dread going back home to find how far i've sail'd, a lone boat abuoy
and barnacles on me, stinking of neglect and saltiness.
-----
in the library, on one of the more boring days where the air buzzed with caffeine-laced breaths, i read through my notes for civ and i noted with mild interest, disturbed and enraged, that i wrote 'color'. no 'u'.
there's salt in me now.
-----
caught off guard
all worked up
the air is as dark and cold as night
let me go
i'm not done
i swear i'll take just one lifetime and i

i won't lie
i won't sin
maybe i don't wanna go
can't you wait
maybe i don't wanna go

i should've asked
i could've helped
at least a fucking 1,000 times before
will this offer get me in
or does this prove that they gave more and i

i won't lie
i won't sin
maybe i don't wanna go
can't you wait
maybe i don't wanna go

to infinity and beyond

2006-11-03T09:23:00.000+08:00

all these books i'm reading for hume, how is it that the authors know every curve and crevice of emotion? how do they know them so intimately? is it because they know themselves inside-out or they read others like a book...but at least i find solace and respite in my readings, although i'm supposed to stretch my brain to search for answers. even if no one understands me, i feel that these books, my friends, understand me. these books, these authors, they're interchangeable to me.

i have a pill stuck in my gullet again. it's driving me up the wall. i can't swallow without discomfort tugging at my base of my throat, and i feel the need to purge but i'm held back. what a parody of real life.

you're like a bullet in my head, swerving down into abyss, my eyes glaze over and i look through things as though they're ghosts, virtual beings. these days, i think i walk around as though half-blind, as though i'm not real. and then i remember that i am still yet alive, a modicum of human flesh, and i speak. and the spell holding me does not break. "the power of words is the power of creation." NOT.

speaking of NOT jokes: www.apple.com/trailers and go find the Borat trailer. -pause pause pause. NOT.

2006-11-02T14:59:00.000+08:00

healing over now. racing on with life, not knowing if i'm ahead or behind trying to catch up. don't worry guys, i'm still alive.

2006-10-25T22:57:00.000+08:00

there's nothing better than to lie contorted in bed knees to the chest, balled up, bawled up, dreamless. daymares and nightmares roll through my mind like a film reel, virtual and unstoppable. (at least, a tech idiot like me won't know how to stop it in real life, what's so different in reel life?)

i don't know when i jolt to sleep and fall awake but i somehow do and the days repeat themselves like going round a carousel. laughter seems like a possible outlet for monotony but even that seems hollow and i'm left with a curious aftertaste on my tongue.

i'm anxious to know how things will be like when i return home. will things be strange? there will be no fingers to intertwine with my own (how naked they feel), and there will be no need for daily phone calls (how full my life seemed), and there will be the long-lost friends to see. but everything seems to be viewed through spectacles not of my own, and things are blurrier now. i don't know who i am anymore; i'm just lost in the breeze, the cold chicago wind.

2006-10-25T11:10:00.000+08:00

feeling wan, i need a break. i won't be updating for a while ( haven't been updating for a while). i don't know much about life except through living it, i can't keep seeking answers from elsewhere when i don't have answers for myself. i may not know what i want, but i think i got to keep living. there is no beginning, there is no end.

2006-09-17T20:31:00.000+08:00

i guess you could say i'm not doing so well...now that all my american schoolmates have filled the halls and rooms, i'm a reflection in their glass menagerie. they're inside and my phanthom merely lurks on the surface.

my suitemates are pleasant enough, although i don't think i connect with them entirely. my room is half empty because my room mate won't arrive till next saturday. it is empty and cold. my walls are bare. my heart is empty. and it's easy to see why people crack into a million shards when they're overseas.

i'm eternally grateful for guan min's presence in graham house. she has been good company, someone who has shared ideals and values, who does not wish to partake of debauchery nor an easy (i mean easy in a sleazy way) life.

otherwise, i'm good.

here's some photos of the uchicago experiences thus far.

this is the 'bean' in chicago's millenium park, which was built or at least initiated by the city's beloved (and allgedly mafia-linked) mayor daley. the bean is entirely metallic, the city skyline becomes reflected in it. i love this photo - the way the reflection curves into reality.

this was when i was bored on the first day of international orientation, i walked out and i sat on a ledge and it was near some grass. the grass here is greener and it's spikey like ronald's hair

when i returned to the international house, everyone was filing out of the building, looking harassed. some fire alarm was triggered off and within a few minutes, the fire dept arrived guns blazing.

new jamaican friend rana. :) chicago has a beautiful skyline. it's more peaceful than manhattan's.

went to the hershey's store in chicago and right outside, a big ginormous kiss was there. so we all took turns taking photos. and they gave out free reese's pieces. ergh. i'm gonna grow fat!

bryan took a hershey's factory worker hat from the store and trotted down michigan avenue and navy pier with it. hoho. later at navy pier, someone asked him if he was trying to get a job.

this was at convocation at the rockefeller memorial chapel yesterday. a very nice humourous talk by ted o neil, dean of college admissions. a terribly long-drawn one by the university's president robert zimmer. but this was when it was over. the campus is pretty.

2006-09-10T12:51:00.000+08:00

three of us made a trip down to chinatown to have some duck rice (they were stingy with the sauce, but otherwise, according to sam it was sinful and heavenly) and shui jiao tang and pseudo char kway teow and chinese tea.

this is a cool shot of the mirror which captured the little island that dawn's dorm security guards sat at. to me, it looks like they're seated within a neat slice of cake. they were gruff and detached as all new yorker security guards. tough and steely like the city. they didn't allow me up to dawn's room even though we claimed i was her sister (what a BIG f a t lie). so no chance for me to glimpse her room this time.
NYU is apparently the second largest property owner in NYC, which is pretty darn amazing, considering it's a facility for higher learning. unlike SMU, the NYU buildings are not distinctly NYU. they blend into any other building and confunds me.

we visited the UN building. not only did we see the beautiful blue glassy building on the outside, we went into its very bowels and sat on the seats of diplomats, learned men and do-gooders. we were in the conference room listening about the evils of child sexploitation and about the global campaign to arrest the problem. visit: redlight children.

see! don't believe me, look at what's before your eyes. we even tried on those special earphones that translates languages.

grand central terminal. where so many films were shot. i love the station. it's colossal.

the green lady up close, so much photographed day in day out and adored by many visitors suffering from a fascination or consternation of america. it's real name is actually the statue of liberty enlightening the world. and it is a masterpiece. i cannot relay how so without the fervent drawl of our trusty park ranger harold e. here he is:

that's...new jersey, not manhattan and ellis island nearer to us. i'm rather sad i didn't visit ellis island...but we were running short of time...

upskirt shot of the green lady. guffaw.

imagine all the people...living for the day...

so you put a penny in the ukelele. :)

this is the shakespeare garden filled with little spashes of colour. there are little signboards buried amidst the flowers...

pansies and hydrangeas of wild delight. central park is really beautiful.

2006-09-08T04:18:00.000+08:00

there's so much to drink in here. i saw so much. the metal bullet known as the subway, so different from the bright plasticky singaporean MRT trains. the mass of yellow cabs trawling the streets of NYC. the spasmodic flicker of sirens from the fire dept, the NYPD. i even saw a fake demonstration which actually was a campaign for people to drink milk. they held picket signs that screamed in a horrible scrawl I <3 flavoured milk! and I bleed pink white and brown!

i think nowhere else in the world would you see a naked cowboy guitarist. he walked by casually past sam and i, with his tighty-whities and a star spangled guitar, on the street. a black guy behind me murmurred a what's up as though he were an old friend. the naked cowboy played his guitar in the middle of times square.

there's a lot to get used to, like the way you describe where you are. 'i'm on broadway and W 42nd street'. you're always at a cross-section of a place of a somewhere. amidst the chaos, there is organisation and i know where the hell i am ALWAYS. i like how they place the streets.

[edit]:

i watched the producers on broadway at the st james theatre. it was bawdy humour, boy. bawdier than mercutio on estrogen.it made fun of swedes, germans, nazis, arty farty gay types. humour softened the blow of offensive though, so it was a hammy, campy, kitzschy musical with astounding sets. there was one where a mirror was the backdrop, and it was tilted at an angle so that the audience could see the formation the dancers were making: a moving swastika. it was elaborate, over the top and fabulous.

people are not inhibited here in america. they screamed with laughter and no one cared. it's easy to get lost here, and it's easy to find yourself transfigured little by little till soon, you'll find yourself with a hollow in yourself, clutching at straws.
[/edit]

strangely, i know this sounds callous, but i'm feeling alright. not especially homesick yet. but i think more rightly put, i haven't grasped the reality of this unreality. sometimes when i walk down the street, my mind still glimpses a singapore, then i shake it out of my head and convince myself it's nyc, not home, never home.

oh and this is for edna and all you grey's fanatics out there:

neh-neh-ni-boo-boo, i'm watching it before you guys! HAHH!

that's why they call it MANhattan

2006-09-07T20:53:00.000+08:00

it's a tough city, full of metal and grafitti. the flowers are different and so are the trees.

cassandra's apartment is beautiful, bright and cheery. very cosy. i love it.

okay, i'm talking to ronald on skype. blog another time.

the unlikely mailbox

2006-09-04T20:21:00.000+08:00

every few days, the glass cupboard next to my bed over my book case will be filled with an obscure NTUC plastic bag. i would empty it and place the items into my suitcases.

in that obscure NTUC plastic bag are assorted things. sometimes filled with tape dispensers plasters underwear; sometimes filled with ovaltine satchets toilet brushes chicken essence capsules. now, it lies half flaccid pregnant with japanese biscuits yoghurtcovered berries and bric-a-brac. i'm taking those out now, and i'm going to wonder where they fit, in suitcase A or suitcase B.

for they are all letters of love i must take with me. i truly love my mother, and my father in a different way. his letter comes revved up in shiny navy blue.

thank you esther for the lovely book. it is wondrous how you read my mind.

2006-09-04T10:53:00.000+08:00

it was a good last night around the town guys. top moments include barbie girl, 爱不怕, breakaway, jolene, 当你 (which was in my head once i woke up)...i can't remember the jap song marcus sang where he hit esther and said i've had too much.

it's not bad when you put in your mouth, it's what comes out that's bad.

okay, a lot to do. precious little time. i need more sleep, but that can wait till when i'm in america when i want to block out images of my singaporean life.

thank you all for the gifts...i will not go oxford on you guys, i'll remain as coxford as i can (which isn't very, since i pronounce words with the wrong yin diao). :) thank you danielle for that wonderful work of art.

2006-09-02T00:46:00.000+08:00

sand lets me down. always, time and again, i grab it, rough grains emolliating exfoliating, and time and time again i am deceived that they will stay in my palm. again and again i go through the motions of scoop trickle scoop trickle. mechanical things like that i will miss. things that i do from the top of my head, hardly there, a hair's breath away from insanity and dreaming.

please pray for me wherever you are, i fear becoming the listless sand grains that fall through cracks of cupped hands. clutch at me, i am near weightless formless.

it's only night time that gets me in this place.

----
everything can be organised into pre-US, US and post-US. i'm still deciding where i am.
----
i'm all packed fyi. have been. did it three times over, lightening the load, making room for important things. i've been meticulous, i've been lynn. and going there, i can feel the old me slip off like a kimono off a geisha's back and something else a murky throw is shrugged onto my shoulders.

i'm undoing myself now and i know not what i will find in myself in america. goodbye sorrows. goodbye comforts.

it was a sweet journey with you guys. :)

2006-08-31T14:39:00.000+08:00

we all laugh, expecting to have company in that, and i hope we all spend our lives laughing with another, because in those moments of asphyxiation, we lose control a little.

i pray we'll all never fake a laugh to make ourselves more at home. forced laughter takes on the stench of vomit, of heavy tobacco-laced smoke - undesirable and discernable by every one within a metre's radius.

this is the last time, that i'm ever gonna come here tonight
this the last time that i wil fall, to a place that fails us all inside

i'm hearing about college from my friends in America. it feels utterly wretched to know that they, who used to communicate from far flung Marine Parade or Queenstown, are flung further from my reach, from any mind's I. i cannot fathom the trawling skyline of their cityscape, nor how their sun light falls and lights them all. i can't help but think that even the dust there is different, smells different and foreign and alien. how does one stretch their imagination to a distant land?

and it feels more wretched that people move on with their lives without you, as though you didn't exist in the first place. i'll be a visitor from now on, exiled to the walls of my college, exiled there to vanish and disintegrate bit by bit from your memories. there is no conceivable way for my life to snake once more into yours, to leak into you all, for my voice and spirit to be felt. it'll be a baby's mewl to all of you and that thought is enough to crush me.

no longer am i in the waiting place. i've been vanquished to a visitor's cage.

2006-08-27T23:21:00.000+08:00

i already feel old beyond my time. don't waves of nostalgia only ebb and flow when one is ninety (not nineteen)? it haunts me and cracks me up.

today was the second last sunday at YCKC, my physical church. soon i will wing my way halfway around the green globe to see more fellow brothers and sisters in christ. it's strange how God answers prayers, i told ronald yesterday as we sat on the ledge in front of the crashing fountain splashes in Takashimaya square. it's really funny that I prayed a simple prayer last year before we left for Kerala to let God reveal how he's working in other places. i was referring to India. and now, He has gone a step further, taking me to the States.

i don't know what to expect there. i'm prepared to face many trials, many people different from me. but i'm praying (and i hope you pray too) that i'll love them but not be like them. just give me that strength, o Lord. oh God, i could just break down thinking about the what ifs. don't let me dry up and crack.

2006-08-26T09:12:00.000+08:00

very soon now it'll be my turn to turn around at the pink counters where papers are stamped and thumbed through to see waving friends and family. i wonder who will be there waving back at me. it'll be my last memory of love and warmth in singapore and i know (deep down, very sure) that i will remember it when i'm bluest.

it's been 19 years of things, people, events, emotions and i can hardly believe it. has it been almost two decades? it has. my god, where has time flown to? yonder? please tell if you knew; i would dearly love to catch it in some beautiful butterfly net.

i was at cell yesterday looking at sylvia. stick thin 15-year-old sylvia with the beautiful skin and the shy glance. and i realised when i return, she'll be my age now. how pleasantly odd.

i've been tracking the growth of all my church friends. i have got to get used to being chrono-displaced - soon, time will zip past and people will sprout and fly away and we'll be tugging uselessly with ropes tied to their wings trying to get them back to us.

A dream will fly
The moment that you open up your eyes
A dream is just a riddle
Ghosts from every corner of your life

my bags are packed, filled with every conceivable sleeve-length of shirts and leg-length of trousers. and in my head...are pictures of you...you...and you...

2006-08-20T11:27:00.000+08:00

i read to try to make myself feel better (i'm smart! i understand all the mumbo jumbo! i understand those feelings! i have feelings that are normal!)

but i end up distressed and sad (why did he have to die? i can never write like that. i wish i knew more about the characters - i didn't know them at all)

2006-08-20T11:16:00.000+08:00

my dad and i don't speak anymore - not even enough to fill a thimble. the silence yawns like a ginger cat licking scratching minding itself on a still quiet day. we are quite quiet people at home.

when i want to speak lovingly to him, i do it with gruff tones. when he wants to express affection, he pats my head, jamming it down with ferocity. we repay each other's love with unkindness and for a while, it was all right.

but now we have lost the ability to speak to each other!

we are quite gregarious outside, vomitting meaningless niceties to people we barely know. we're clowns with painted faces, sad and happy, cracked up and loony and concealing it with paint. ridiculous.

but we don't speak to each other.

i hear about my father from my mother, like he has moved on from this world.

why is it so hard to understand him? why is it so hard to draw closer to him?
...the greek chorus: like poles repel and unlike poles attract. but the rules of science are not the rules of love.

2006-08-20T11:10:00.000+08:00

if i weren't made this way, i wouldn't be hung up about the sharing...

but i am.

2006-08-17T00:54:00.000+08:00

and once again this blog will be a salve to a tossandturn night.

faith cannot be proven. the soul belongs to the metaphysical.science is all about hard facts. repetable reproducible results. but faith can be a science too, can't it? isn't it science the study of the world after all, a lens through which mankind put on to adjust the world into sharp focus?

i was wondering how does one explain the mysterious deaths in hospital. my brother was watching an episode of grey's anatomy, the one entitled superstition. it was believed that 7 people would die before the stroke of minute (or by the time the episode sounded its gong), and already 4 expired. when he watched, eyes riveted on a patient primed for a successful surgery passed on through the veil, he said: "sometimes, that happens. they ought to live, but..."

but the unpredictability of the supernatural do not abide the laws of newton, galileo or even the tirade of globalisation. so what are we to do? trust with our head all the while, rule out an irreproducible phenomena? subtract love and faith and OUR SOUL from the equation of life?

"we believe in superstition because we know we don't know the answer to everything." well said, meredith grey.

plans

2006-08-16T09:23:00.000+08:00

let's go kite-flying at midnight.she pointed to the criss-crossing stretch of grass above the building, double helix's incarnation in nature and art. right at the top! we'll climb and pant and wheel our kites in. and if we do fall, we do fall, we'll be jack and break our crowns.

the break-up? next thursday? jurong point? like spiders, we spin; and like our best-laid plans, the web breaks in the wind. poor tanned aniston, wearing her heart on screen, with oprah's waxy stretched-out face stretched in emphatatic grimace. we're sorry for your loss. or whatever it is she said to aniston, whose mane was once the tour de force of fashion. she was a model for god's sake, she was an actress. now, a skimpily disguised film about hooking back her pitts.

angels have been known to fall further than men.

2006-08-14T13:15:00.000+08:00

silence strikes like a loud gong, and the reverberations make me ache, crack and shatter to a million pieces.

...and soon i'll be on the tarmac, trying to glue myself together again. a painted smile, a hard lump - not tumorous - in my throat that threatens to explode.

damn all lumps, even in mash potatos.

2006-08-05T12:07:00.000+08:00

yesterday i went with ronald to the substation's guiness theatre (first time there) and watched hello by sprouts theatre. it was a four person effort + the crew + front of house helpers. it was pretty poignant and relevent to me, the going away girl. it was about people going away.

i liked the scene where A was cooking a meal for C. A doesn't like canned anything.

A: i'm cooking soup.
C: what for?
A: to go with the pasta. it's from a can.
C: but you don't like canned food.
A: no, silly, it's for you.
C: then why do you want to cook it?
A: cos it expired yesterday!!
C: then throw it away!
A: it's okay. look, if we were in America, we'd be a day behind and we can still eat it.

2006-07-25T17:04:00.000+08:00

i don't entirely grasp the meaning of beat generation, nor do i fully appreciate jack kerouac's speedy, zippy style of writing, but i do know i like his page 124 very much:

Just about that time a strange thing began to haunt me. it was this: i had forgotten something. There was a decision that i was about to make before Dean (his crazy friend) showed up, and now it was driven clear out of my mind but still hung on the tip of my mind's tongue. i kept snapping my fingers trying to remember it. i even mentioned it. and i couldn't tell if it was a real decision or just a thought i had forgotten. it haunted and flabbergasted me, made me sad. it had to do somewhat with the Shrouded Traveler. Carlo Marx and I once sat down together, knee to knee, in two chairs, facing, and I told him a dream I had about a strange Arabian figure that was pursuing me across the desert; that i tried to avoid; that finally overtook me just before i reached the Protective City. "Who is this?" said Carlo. We pondered it. I proposed it was myself, wearing a shroud. That wasn't it. Something, someone, some spirit was pursuing all of us across the desert of life and was bound to catch us before we reached heaven. Naturally, now that I look back on it, it is only death: death will overtake us before heaven. the one thing that we yearn for in our living days, that makes us sigh and groan and undergo sweet nauseas of all kinds, is the remembrance of some lost bliss that was probably experienced in the womb and can only be reproduced (though we hate to admit it) in death. But who wants to die? In the rush of events I kept thinking about this in the back of my mind. I told it to Dean and he instantly recognized it as the mere simple longing for pure death; and because we're all of us never in life again, he, rightly would have nothing to do with it, and I agreed with him then.

heat that sticks

2006-07-25T16:58:00.000+08:00

i will miss it, this heat that sticks, and the sometimes-three-baths-a-day kind of days.

sure, ice cream may melt into a gooey mess all over my fingers, but i love milkshakes. which if you think about, are actually melted blended ice creams.

maybe the states will be good for my head, it'll give me some distance and some perspective. but i'm not ready to grow up and be independent and away from everyone just yet. i feel like i need to bargain for more time, but what for? the outcome's the same every day old song.

it's getting hard knowing that the hours are creeping past and i'm no closer to wrapping my head around whatever it is that is bugging me.

2006-07-24T01:14:00.000+08:00

i've been feeling really lost lately. i think i've been feeling like this ever since...january. why oh why, when i am all of 19 and 2 months, do i still feel like i'm 11? i feel darn klutzy and not myself around people, except my family and ronald. this is a sad sad situation. everything i say seems to be worded wrong, or didn't come out right, or rather dull.

i'd like to peg it to the fact that i need some alone time to refocus on who i am, but i've been spending so much alone time that i just am fit to burst, yet i know zilch.

quite sickened.
too tired of circumstances.
i need some change.

misery loves company

2006-07-17T00:44:00.000+08:00

have a nice day, says misery, tipping his top hat. bounjour, mon amie.
bonjour, says his ravishing companion. her red lips gleam of murderous feastings, of lascivious thinkings.
won't you join me in stinking up the earth?
what does it entail, monsieur?
why, making everyone choke on the entails of their doings, ma cher.
will be glad to. it's my pleasure. comme on dit, misery loves company and i am it.

----------
there's nothing sorrier than my blue arse now.

2006-07-14T00:23:00.000+08:00

click here for some more birthday gems. :D
-----
happy 19th, mary smith.

2006-07-11T00:50:00.000+08:00

how lucky am i...
i'm young and i don't even care
how lucky am i...
i'm young with a few bucks to spare
i don't even try
it's all in my mind
how lucky am i?

i can't believe all my good fortune
i count my blessings every day
should hurt to be so fun-loving
my life

how lucky am i?
i'm young and i don't even care?
how lucky am i?
i'm young with even a few bucks to spare
i don't even try
i know, it's all in my mind
how lucky, how lucky, how lucky am i?

2006-07-08T22:59:00.000+08:00

there's no place like home.
**********
okay, that's not my home. but that's my sunset, the everyday dusky aureole of braddell heights.

may the sweet sun never shear off its rays of light. amen.

2006-07-06T13:31:00.001+08:00

my life is wholly uninteresting and yet i am unyielding to the idea of plastering photos of myself and my friends on the world wide web for all to see. you see, i'm still not a sell-out as yet to the idea that i should propel my life to a state perceived to be more worthy than it is by the illusion that all my friends are knock-outs and we party all-night, all-life long.

my greatest companions now are my close friends, whose images and real forms will be kept to themselves or in the locker-room of my camera, and books and movies of course. (what would life be without books and movies? in the words of particular red-head on prince edward island, or was it emily of new moon? lucy maude montgomery's characters do resonate the same way, you know. "there would be no scope for the imagination"). privacy is a precious commodity and i intend not to devalue it further.

i've sped through another vonnegut. i prize the quote by eugene debs...

"I still quote Eugene Debs (1855-1926), late of Terre Haute, Indiana, five times the Socialist Party’s candidate for President, in every speech: “While there is a lower class I am in it, while there is a criminal element I am of it, while there is a soul in prison I am not free.”

- Kurt Vonnegut's Timequake

And of course, his alter ego Kilgore Trout: "Men are jerks, women are psychotic."

the end.

2006-07-06T13:31:00.000+08:00

just a lazy sunday afternoon

2006-07-02T20:02:00.000+08:00

smelly cat, smelly cat...
what are they feeding you??
smelly cat, smelly cat...
it's not your fault !!

okay, i'm DRUNK on friends. when i felt so darn drained and empty on friday, i watched it. it made me feel better.

there's tons to do now that i'm out of gainful employment. :) nice...

toot ye horns

2006-06-29T00:07:00.000+08:00

hmm.. i'm truly exhausted. just went sleuthing around chinatown in the middle of the evening-night. interesting - i truly wonder what lurks beneath the smiling facade of singapore.

we have a pandora's box situation here. a catch-22 - cautious liberalisation is a juxtaposition. i really wonder how we're going to make everything work without screwing up the next generation. i see people younger than me wear a mantle of cynicism elaborate enough to rival Cruella de Ville. it's sad, but i think inevitable.

okay, am happy i'm home. i shall just thank God for protecting all four of us and go beddy-bye.

2006-05-23T15:38:00.000+08:00

i smell chocolate.

i smile chocolate.

ben and jerry's marsha marsha marshmallow was the stickiest ice cream smell ever. it tastes vaguely of chubby hubby but it is distinctly more Chokalit than Peanut.

i am making a temperature chart for myself. i am an institution. i have filled in Sunday, 4am and Sunday 7.30am and Sunday 11.15am and Monday 7.30pm and Tuesday 2.15pm. the rest in between are blanks that i did not care to check. i feel like an institution. Tuesday, 2.15pm - temperature: 37.3deg.

it's the strangest feeling to be at home. i lay in bed, reading, feeling the blood throb in my legs like a pulse, like a wave. feeling my life ebb and flow in my legs, like the only things that are alive are my legs, my scaly, burnt legs. and i flip the page and the words run over my brain like spidery fingers over the piano, wild and delirious. and i starve and i quake and i feel 'fraid of the Future's eminence.

my lips taste like stale saliva, but it's actually dried green apple juice. what a lie, what a lie.

tinklebell and dizzy spells

2006-05-22T17:48:00.000+08:00

so my dad said to me today: "i think you should play more sports. you're quite weak you know. that's probably why you fall sick."

see, i have another theory why i fall sick, the lack of a sports life notwithstanding. i imagine myself falling sick and my body obeys on command. like i wish so hard and poof! it happens, like water turning to wine.

it just hit me the other day that i was possibly turning into an adult, except without that deathwish of incessant bills. i was at church when i realised that i carried around a secret tumour and had friends in two places: work and church, just like an adult. and when i tried to remember the last time i smiled a child's smile and laughed a child's laugh, i couldn't. and i try to laugh at the same things my baby nephew does, and all that comes out is a little pant of joy when he bellows out a sonata of amused sounds.

so, i think i've turned adult already. oh help me.

nobody knows where you might end up

2006-05-18T23:40:00.000+08:00

what's the Bee in my Bonnet? I think it's the buzzing Pain in the Stomach. Somehow I think it's a psychological illness - not really there and I just explain it into existence like pulling a rabbit out of a magic hat. i've been to the doc's twice already and i've eaten powdery pills that disintegrate into ash everytime i put it in my mouth so there's a thick paste coating my tongue by the time i take a swig of water. perfecto!

best of all, my keyboard's not cooperating.

and yes, happy birthday to me. 20 minutes to my birthday. i'm 19.

In your sanctuary

2006-05-15T00:39:00.000+08:00

cyberspace asylum keeping me company, keeping me sinking into exhaustion. i just have a yearning, this gentle nagging nudge from within to blog about the days past. why how when why what who. the smells, the people, the holiday weekend has been extravagant.

there's an intriguing shop at paragon called "The Planet Traveller". it's a shop that sells anything that a globetrotter would need - adapters, humungous suitcases, thermal underwear, thermal overwear, nalgene bottles, pouches - you names it, they gots it. it's a splendid shop, just dead ex. mother wanted to take a look see at the suitcases to put my shitload of junk in. i'm hoping to personalise it with lots of stickers, but knowing me the neat freak would put a stopper on it. aw, shucks, that darn stickler for neatness messing things up again!

sadly, even after goodness knows how long has passeddd... the stupid reality hasn't quite sunk in yet. from time to time, i just like shiver and shudder and spasm and say: "oh my god, i'm going abroad. i can't believe it."

talk about slow on the uptake. i'm sucha spaz.

thursday night: went to MOS with the load of them. esther, eewnivek, marcus, marvin, kwek, ronald. it was Freedom Night for the men-in-green. tons of them packed it in MOS - saw anan and (mortifyingly) rammed into his nose when i moved in to hear his voice in Studio 54. embarassing! was introduced to benson (who i'm sure i'll never see again) from ronald's platoon, saw fleeting glimpses of ronald's platoon mates. all very menacing-looking. saw vincent, who told us rachel yap was downstairs with shauna! heh! wadya know.
stupid smoove was jam-packed. there was an actual queue to get in. so we gave up.
crashed on the bed at about 4am. and slept till 12.30pm.

Friday afternoon: shopping with mummy dearest. :D that's where i saw Planet Traveller. bought 2 pairs of levi's to bring abroad. and a top from Maxstudio.com at wisma, which i will collect this coming week. it's for jan choo and sarah's wedding (july 22 and 23) + cheng cheng's wedding. (june 12 and 13). many weddings this year!

**side note: I HAVE CALLUSES ON MY LEFT FINGERTIPS! so freaky. from playing guitar. AMAZING!

okay, u know what? i'm too bored to continue. and i think u guys aren't interested in reading abt my boring life too. i shud really post pictures. but i don't have a camera. and i'm not really photogenic. BAH. life sucks.

** Grey's moment, from ep 18 (which hasn't aired yet)
Bailey: -exhausted from labour. "O'maley..."
George: yes, dr bailey.
Bailey: stop looking at my Va-JAY-JAY.

-guffaws.

falling

2006-05-10T22:29:00.000+08:00

ear worm: fix you - coldplay

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face

***************************************************
thank you oh mighty shafia! :D

strange disjointed sensation

2006-05-09T20:28:00.000+08:00

it is unusually balmy weather in my room now and cool outside. that's a rare phenomen. usually, my matchbox room is cooler than outside, but now, it's reverse. terrbelek.

in church on sunday, i was standing in the pew and i was singing. then i looked at the lovely glass panes, tinted so the sky always looks like azure blue although it may be greyer or paler than usual, and it always looks like the sun is shining brightly although it may just be a glimmer outside. and as i stood and sang, i stared hard at the fluffy whites and the tree that always peeks into the snapshot and i committed it to memory.

then when i was going to home, and i was stomping my way down the hill to the homestead, i took another snapshot of the Beverley Hills-like view that unfolded at my feet, how the sky was coloured peach and purple, and the random car trumbled toward me.

i'm taking more photos now: of sights, of sounds, of smells. they can't be truttled to america with me - they'll take up too much space otherwise.
-----------------------------------------------
today was an interesting day because instead of doing NEWS news, i forayed into unchartered territory: i did the music scene in singapore. it was truly liberating because you can allow a bit of 'you' to creep into the story. instead of going for the he said she said style. but still, i exceeded my limit. i wrote 33.something cms already when it's supposed to be 30. i suppose a few cms won't hurt since robin said '30 something cms'. or maybe i'm misconstruing what he said.

hmmm...

so i interviewed a few frontmen for local bands - astreal, concave scream and lunarin. i talked to them then felt delirious for a few delightful seconds, lost my footing in the questions and had to scramble around in my brain for a few moments before coming up with another question.

i talked to them enough to want to go for broadcast which is happening this saturday at the substation - somewhere i've never gone to before. and i DEFINITELY definitely want to go for Baybeats this year.
and i want to be better in guitar.
and i want to be able to sing a little better too.
deh-yum. (that's damn, by the way doofus)

one thing i'm not proud of today: not calling ronald in time.
one thing i am proud of today: finishing my indie rock article by my deadline and finishing my fat cap that is due tomorrow.

omg!

2006-05-04T18:18:00.000+08:00

don't mean to blaspheme. but i'm really quite thrilled abt the development of things. really ah...must thank the Big Guy up there for raining down blessings lor. now, my last ardent fervent hidden wish is that i don't get cynical being a journalist.

the wait is over! the wait for the scholarship results. i'm pretty sure cpf has rejected me because its now thursday and they haven't called/e-mailed. or indicated that they want me in any conceivable way. which is rather sad. BUT, today is the day that the news broke. i think i shall just describe how it went.

corrie called me yesterday on my hp instead of messaging me on Lotus Notes cos she thought i was away from my desk. but anw, she said: 'omg! connie just message'. connie is the scholars HR contact person. we bug her about everything from like when we can end work to when our scholarship results will come. i think she had it up to here with us so she just decided to call us and silence our barrage of questions.

so yes, connie said to corrie commandingly: go to HR and thou shalt receive The News tomorrow.

yah lor. so we all trooped down this morning to HR. corrie was at 1030, i was at 1035, dawn at 1040, this girl called grace(?) at 1045 and andrea at 1050. and we received our NEWS not long after.

i can't believe it! i can't believe it! i can't believe it! okay. i must say it here, because i haven't had time to vent ALL DAY. and i think it's festering. festering is bad because i just get really wired. and i think i sound totally detached whenever i say that i got offered the scholarship (conditionally) by sph. like my voice is strangulated and not really coming from me. it hasn't really hit home yet. but it will, eventually. so i'd better release some steam here!

anyway, the miracle of the week: finding the die-hard opposition voter who would be willing to be photographed and all. it's just SO STRANGE and UNCANNY that he was the first person i talked to. he looked so mild (because he was sitting down on his stool at the side of the muddy YCK stadium field. but i just tried him for kicks. and he turned out to be the man i was looking for all the while.

and so, i've got my opposition die-hard, even though mr yong kwok liang left me at the altar. he stood me up TWICE. i am really darn disappointed with him because he pledged himself to be 'a man of his word' when i first met him at the potong pasir coffee shop. but then again, if u can't trust politicans, u can't trust a ____ (insert mr yong's occupation).

black-eyed-peas, fishballs and such

2006-04-29T02:00:00.000+08:00

just returned from rachel yap's place. we watched kill bill! i have been dying to watch it ever since it hung on me so unfortunately, fifteen minutes into the show. it was just killing for me when the stupid disc hung after The Bride killed Vernita Green. hai. i was shocked that rachel had it !!! but i wouldn't miss kill bill (volume one mind you the one that is banned from sg for goodness-knows what reason) for the worldd.

i'm getting ahead of myself. i went to the yap's place after cell. highly successful cell session. very grateful that a lot of ppl turned up and had tons of fun fun fun. of course, cell's not always fun but because of the people, it turns out to be fun. uncommon faces were there - kevin who doubled as dj eewnivek. hahaha - our very pro DeeJay ! haha. which made me a little sad to see that at least one army boy is out of the army system early.

and again, i'm getting ahead of myself. cell was after a long traffic jam which followed the long human jam at the law interview. yes, finally got called up for that elusive law interview. which i don't even know whether i would get but not trying is the greatest and easiest trick to fall into eh? our group was snail's pace. the rest were more or less on time. i went in almost an hour after my scheduled time! at 6.25pm. and i came up for air at 6.50ish. about 20 minutes. i think the interviewers were as desperate as i was to get home.

anyways. next week is another bout of scholarship interviews and another bout of stressful work days. praying for a lot of sustenance. praying for a lot of people who have their mid-years masquerading as harmless common tests which compute a heavy weightage in the end. common tests my ass. -_-

yes! again Praise God for his loving kindness. still tasting the sweetness of His love after so long. (:

I'm so high, I can hear heaven...

2006-04-27T23:06:00.000+08:00

This old song popped into my head (Hero by what'shisname from what'stheband - spiderman soundtrack is all i remember)... anyway, one HUMUNGOUS shout-out to God. was petrified on monday and tuesday when i was approached by pol desk to do stuff. understandably, i mean the last time i had to interview a hundred hougang residents...no joke OKAY.

anyway, it was difficult. i had to get 10 ppl's views on what they'll be looking out for this elections and which party are they siding/rooting for. PLUS photo. meaning i had to get them to say 'yes' to a small photo of them which will be published in the papers. Praise God. it was a miracle really. the second person obliged. and finally got 16 different quotes, with 11 ppl agreeing to a photo. (: really praise God.

so i returned to the office feeling rather pleased yet amazed (i was really high!) then i came crashing down when i was told what i had to do.

i had to find one die-hard pap supporter, one die-hard OPPOSITION supporter, one swingvoter. score a in-depth interview with each of them on why they vote the way they do. AND get a photo. not taken by me this time. lure them and gain their trust enough to get the photodesk to do it.

like wtf. my jaw dropped. i was in a daze and i had to go back to lydia to get her to repeat her instructions to me cos i just couldn't believe it.

i was in a foul mood all the way home. more innocent thoughts like 'i don't want to be used and abused anymore' and 'shucks, being a journalist sucks' crossed my mind. the more serious ones...lemme not mention them. they'd get anyone worried.

but God's power is truly powerful. i set out on tuesday morning, bright and early. 7.30am to potong pasir. i prayed then preyed. i preyed on the innocent lim kopi kia. those ppl who hit the kopitiams got it from me. i just introduced myself and ploughed through them all. the blabbermouths, the golden mouths, the smokers... everyone.

2 hours later, i found myself mr andrew koh (an angel) who agreed to be photographed.

God bless him. he has cancer of the ...something. he doesn't quite know. and no doctor really knows. i really pray that he is cured of it soon.

then i went over to hougang. 2 hours of searching and i found mr boon yadi rosdi who also agreed to be photographed.

two down...one to go. the most difficult of the lot - the pro-opposition voter. -gulps.

God help me.

mirrormask and interviews

2006-04-25T21:38:00.000+08:00

i went to watch mirrormask with ronald on saturday night. it's rare that i go out on saturday night although there's a MOVIE made in tribute to saturday nights because it's just THE happening day for everyone except christians or whoever has to go to church the next day.

mirrormask was such a pleasure to watch. at first i was pretty certain it was going to be a third-bit show. but it wasn't in the slightest! the illustrations were top-notch (like duh, with dave mckean heralding the illustrations...what could go wrong?) and the acting wasn't overshadowed by the cgi. it just blended. but then again, i could be out of my element - my last movie was ages ago. still, two thumbs up for me for the modern spin on alice in wonderland. (:

speaking of alice in wonderland, i feel like i jumped down the rabbit hole meself. it's been a maelstrom of events in the newsroom. i've been shelled things left right centre and dodging bullets from all sides as well. okay, i'm exaggerating but you know what i mean. i'm plenty busy and pushing twelve-hour days. sorry folks if i seem a bit indulgent, i'm not! it's just that you guys have to read something in the papers the next day, and i'm your ragman.

the title's mirrormask and interviews so i'm moving on to the interviews i have this week. i was supposed to have GIC added on the list - but thankfully, the morning has already been taken up by cpf. i don't know if these interviews are welcome reliefs anymore - they're more like flies on the windshield to be honest because work has picked up pace so rapidly!

I truly have to praise God for being my rock and salvation these two days. They've both been trying days and dabbed with an impossible task. it's been amazing to witness how God has just provided after I surrendered the situations to him with prayer and faith. truly amazing. never could have done what i did without him.

wigging out

2006-04-24T09:52:00.000+08:00

arghhhhhh. the interview is TOMORROW. the sph one. with the editor-in-chief.

i know i'm going to screw it up. but nvm, im resigned. RESIGNED that whatever will be, will be.

tired

2006-04-20T21:33:00.000+08:00

i'm frankly a trifle tired of working and i hold my parents waayyyyy up there for doing it for donkey years. i've barely worked for four months and i'm already begging for the train to stop and spit me out. i wade through the day half-hoping for a break and half-hoping for an insane ride. i don't really know what i want - the gemini in me is just roaring to break lose, methinks.

and i'm starting to write in such a stacatto manner. ken kwek's right - ST takes the house style business far to seriously that it infringes upon our basic decency to our style.

i was thinking that if i were writing for Urban, i would know what would be the next cover story. the use of thermal plankton in every ***damn cosmetic product - truth or bust? does it work or not? super-testers take the products for a spin to discover if the claims are what they claim to be!

that's what i'm talking about - my brain is OVERwired with newsy news. breezy breeze. eggy egg. i'm so random i can flop dead and the randomness will ooze out of every single pore.

and i just realised (okay, shoot me now) - it's PORE over something not POUR over something. haha. and i realised why it's not the latter. if you pour over a book, you're pouring some sort of fluid right?

yes, maybe i'll hop-skip-and-a-jump on to another topic...i'm reading the lexus and the olive tree. it's another must-get. after i finish that, i must steam-roll on to rachel carson's silent spring so that i'll understand wth environmentalism and how eco-manifestos like hers shaped the world. lovely-doo.

any day now

2006-04-12T22:59:00.000+08:00

any day now, there's going to be a white chevvy
parked right outside
and any day then, there'll be The Husband and The Kids
and i'll be composed, refined, defined: The Mother, The Wife, The Power-mover.

and so until that comes, i'll be here
plain and simple, biding my time
ticking the seconds off with my fingers,
lie by lie, sin by sin - all the time.

right now its the Big Plunge.
let me breathe.

don't ever say you've tried for the last time

2006-04-12T22:39:00.000+08:00

let's take the train to anywhere

i wanna feel the wind in my hair with you

lets tell them all that soon they'll know how very wrong they were

to think we'd never go

and if you tell me yours i'll tell you mine

and we'll clean the cobwebs out of one another's mind...

okay, there's a lot of missy higgins filling the room now and it's emotionally-charged.

i was just musing to myself today - i got withdrawal symptoms when i was away from the newsroom. i miss it that much. it felt right that i finally slipped in - i felt a jolt of electricity when i first entered. i entered with a bounce in my step, a light in my eyes. it was like the first day of the entire love affair of banging on the keyboards, figuring out the complex (and archaic) Coyote system. it felt right, it felt solid, it felt like i was drowning and i was being rescued. that last part was from grey's anatomy.

i think i made glenda a fan. i really love grey's. i can't live a monday down without my fix of grey's. i can do without desperate housewives ( a little too scanty and scandalous for my taste), but grey's captures one of my first fascinations which was with medicine, about fixing people. for the longest time all i wanted was to be a doctor - there was just that thought for about 16 years of my life i think. how strange that that thought just evaporated slowly, like a cup of water in an air-con room. i hardly noticed it dissipating, like a passing cloud. it was so slow, it escaped my attention. and before i knew, i changed.

i'm craving siddharta. please give me siddharta.

money money money money...MONEY!

2006-04-09T23:46:00.000+08:00

the apprentice makes me feel so hungry to be on it!

people in the street, they never get to meet

2006-04-07T23:37:00.000+08:00

this week has seemed pretty surreal - it was practically half gone. i was just zipping in and out of the newsroom. which is pretty sad - i can't do my job properly. what can i do??? i can't be assigned for any job nor can i really chase a story properly. -growls.

this is the second time i have a jack johnson song as my blog title. i think i'll just continue - his lyrics are so apt sometimes.

met up with glen, rah and dee on thursday, after the psychologist's test! haha. it had been too long. but it was good - we sat there till about 9 plus before we got off our arses. we started talking about sex (like yah, why right?) because it's suddenly getting a lot of publicity in the papers (sometimes i feel jammed when i can't explain why the papers run the things they do. it's just news people, we are empty vessels and we just report what people tell us to report). we also talked about tatches. lemme explain what a tatch is.

a tatch (noun): a person who is compassionate and caring.

i'm striving towards being a tatch (if you say it out loud - it sounds like attached, so actually i'm attached but i'm not a tatch). how am i going to be a tatch? I have no idea...the first step is to comming the non-tatchness to God. i really want to learn how to love people more and to care for people more, but i can't seem to break through.

anyway, i've returned both my library books ON TIME. and i'm extremely pleased with myself. not incurring any fines yet, baby! wahoo!

still praying for the outcome for Brown...the more i thnk about it, the more i really want to read siddharta again. it's the book that revolutionised my life but has been given little or no mention. and in fact, i can't remember what it is about anymore. i really have got to get my hands on it.

sitting, waiting, wishing.

2006-04-05T10:41:00.000+08:00

i was sitting waiting wishing

you believed in superstitions

then maybe you'd see the signs

but lord knows that the world is cruel

i ain't the lord, no i'm just a fool

learning loving someone won't make them love you

delicious morning - i woke up and immediately switched on my cd player and played jack johnson. it was a half-hour of croaking out his swishing lyrics in bed before i actually climbed out and went for a bath.

okay..i'm waiting for lunch now.

the clap of the mahjong tiles

2006-04-03T00:12:00.000+08:00

i think this is gonna sound pretty angsty and i'll definitely regret whinging on virtual space where i can actually write something more constructive. but wtv, i think i need some release, no judgement, no interjection and definitely no lumpinmythroat.

And so it is Just like you said it would be

Life goes easy on me Most of the time

And so it is The shorter story

No love, no glory No hero in her sky

I can't take my eyes off of you

I can't take my eyes...

And so it is Just like you said it should be

We'll both forget the breeze

Most...most of the time

And so it is The colder water

The blower's daughter

The pupil in denial

it sucks. the distance and separation really really sucks to the core.

oh and guess what? we're only at different ends of the island. if i go overseas, we'll be different ends of the world.

i'm going to sleep now. i don't think i'll rest easy.

verdancy

2006-04-01T00:24:00.000+08:00

oh good Lord help me, i have to wake up in 6 and a half hours.

worst things than a waitlist could have happened. to be precise - only one worse thing than a waitlist decision could have happened. but i guess i'm happy that i've been dealt with that card.

now i just need to ohm...there is no spoon.

waiting oh waiting for something big to happen soon. i think i've always been waiting for something big to happen to me. it might have something to do with john irving's until i found you. reading about a grade-b noir film star makes you feel as though your life is about to precipitate into a shower of stars as well.

i just read soumya's blog. and i just have this to say: i'll remember her and her caustic comments. i'll remember poh and his beady eyes and our toilet-water cooler trips. i'll remember sonia and her amazing spinach cheese dip thing and her crazy loopy songs. dawn and her kancheong spider-ism and her ballet shoes. there's nat and her breathing down the neck when deadline's nearing and her amazing multi tasking ways. i will miss everyone so dearly when i depart from the newsroom. poh's right - sonia, dawn and i don't have a definite date where we're leaving. we're just drifters, biding our time for the next story, for the next byline, for the next round of chasing. i'm so green, it's a sin for me to be allowed to work alongside such brilliant people. i'm so grateful that God has opened this amazing window of opportunity for me, to experience this truly amazing ride.

now i'll just go to sleep. this is the first night i have not made headway with until i find you. so long, small schlong!

i'd give up for you...yes i would

2006-03-28T22:28:00.000+08:00

kevin just sent me a pretty good song by simply red (gosh, i just remember them because i thought the band name pretty obiang)

tomorrow's my driving test and poh's third last day at ST. dawn's not on tomorrow.

increasingly, my days are getting splendider and splendider because of the wunnerful company i keep in ST. i love how the days just seem to skip past, like those lackadaisical sunday afternoons i used to have. i think that's how you know that you've found your passion - when work feels like breathing, when you're no longer there, you're just flying off somewhere. sometimes i feel that way, like i'm off the ground, walking on really nothing.

i'm reading john irving's until i found you. i liked the beginning - the search for jack burn's dad..it's now jack burn's term in school and it's settling into the mundane throng of life.

dum...dum dum dee dum dum dum dee DUM

2006-03-25T04:46:00.000+08:00

the title's actually like the openings beats for 'beep'. haha my ear worm for this weekend! or not, the entire week till monday.

heehee. second time at mos. this is gonna sound like a darn ditzy post! yes, this time sans kev and clarini, but newbies! marvin, sam and kwek. haha. it was still fun!

i think i went POP on the tequila pop. now i know why ppl buzz about drinking a tequila pop. whoohooo.

top five moments at second MOS trip

1) indian woman dancing with sam. hawhaw. and the look on indian

woman's boyfriend's face - classic, to-die-for embarrassment.

2) persistent striped ang mo guy who kept a close eye on marcus.

3) kwek swatting off persistent striped ang mo guy

who kept a close eye on marcus

4) indian man flexing biceps and poking them into our faces at smoove

5) the constant stream of guys hitting on sam. esp that one

who was going to america soon to study. (:

aiyah... im zonked.sloshed.wahooooo.

an un-beatbox sounding name among others

2006-03-22T13:08:00.000+08:00

the rain is falling, or so i would like to believe. when we (the interns) were out walking back to the great glass elevator shack, there was the pre-rain breeze. i said i could smell the rain, the vague smell of freshly cut grass, but sonia said it's not just that smell that makes up a pre-rain breeze. i don't get these abstract concepts, and i doubt i ever will.

so as the rain (presumably) falls, i will continue to wait for charles wong, the beatbox person to troop down faithfully to this grey obelisk of a building to meet me. this is the kind of journalism i like - safe, boring, very much like a black dress, it's a staple, a miss-me-not. does that make me a safe, boring person too?

i went around polling people in the hougang area. the one thing that was truly smarting was that i could not ramble on in teochew or hokkien. hokkien maybe, but not teochew. nor malay. nor french. nor any other exotic or local tongue. except the plain boxy-sounding english. i think i need more linguistic gymnastics to give my brain a bit more punch, so i wont feel so much like a dead log rotting under the putrid singapore sun.

patience..i'm still waiting to grow up.

kid me not

2006-03-22T10:53:00.000+08:00

"ONE OF THE BEST READS WE'VE EVER SEEN! If Tom Clancy and Umberto Eco got fused together, Dan Brown would be the result." eBooknet.com

you've got to be joking. dan brown? fusion of umberto eco? hawhawhaw.

BLIGHTED

2006-03-18T09:27:00.000+08:00

i think my printer's possessed by a little spirit, like a sprite or something. it's been going berserk. like i tried printing out my worship tabs and worship lyrics. it was four pages. it's not a big deal for most printers, it just seamlessly prints tem.

but my printer is such a drama queen. even the simplest jobs turn into nightmares!!!

okay, so page one came out fine, just sengeh (crooked) but you know whatever. that's considered 'without a hitch' for my printer. hyuk.

then the printer sucked in the 8 other sheets of paper to print my page 2. obviously there was gonna be a jam. but not only did it suck the 8 other sheets of paper in, they stayed inside! that's really CRAZY.

and so i yanked it out with some might, and reloaded them. then i clicked continue.

bloody hell, the insolence of the machine!

page 2 and page 3 came out badly sengeh and there was like ink-saliva on the sides of the papers. i felt rather disgusted: after doing a bad job, printer epson stylus CX3100 dared to spit?? i felt rather like spiting and spitting myself.

then page 4 jammed. the same sucking thing again. so i had to clear it...and click continue yada. then page 4 was still sengeh but whatever. that's not the point.

the point is that my printer is possessed! and it happened after page four. there were no more pages. then i expected peace and quiet from that infernal machine. then there was this mechanical gurgling/cackling (i can't put my finger on which it was) and then the papers just mysteriously started setting like some glorious sun on the horizon into my printer. like

t h i s s l o w l y

FREAK OUT man! it was POSSESSED. by either a) a printer witch thing cos of the cackling

b) a gremlim (they've been known to haunt plane parts. but who knows? with globalisation, there's a shrinking technology world, so maybe printer parts are more their taste. glocalisation you know?)

or

c) a child who died before it's time because of a printer cos of the gurgling

leave a tag - tell me which you think it is. if you guys actually read my blog anymore. but anyway, whichever you guys choose, i hope to rid myself of this printer soon.

Mrs A (senior)

2006-03-09T13:35:00.000+08:00

As taken from http://muttawa.blogspot.com:

The second clip has her (Mrs A) up against a Dr. Ibrahim Al-Khouli. She comes out with a number of home truths, that will be familiar to any reader of this blog.

The clash we are witnessing around the world is not a clash of religions, or a clash of civilizations.
It is a clash between two opposites, between two eras.
It is a clash between a mentality that belongs to the Middle Ages and another mentality that belongs to the 21st century.
It is a clash between civilization and backwardness, between the civilized and the primitive, between barbarity and rationality.
It is a clash between freedom and oppression, between democracy and dictatorship.
It is a clash between human rights, on the one hand, and the violation of these rights, on other hand.
It is a clash between those who treat women like beasts, and those who treat them like human beings.

She then berates the Doctor for being an offensive bigot.

My colleague has said that he never offends other people's beliefs. What civilization on the face of this earth allows him to call other people by names that they did not choose for themselves? Once, he calls them Ahl Al-Dhimma, another time he calls them the "People of the Book," and yet another time he compares them to apes and pigs, or he calls the Christians "those who incur Allah's wrath." .... What gives you the right to call them "those who incur Allah's wrath," or "those who have gone astray," and then come here and say that your religion commands you to refrain from offending the beliefs of others?

Dr Ibrahim can't figure out what's going on here. She's turning his own words back on him, and then some. Why isn't this woman locked up at home? Why doesn't her husband tell her to shut up? Time to change the subject again. He's going for option 3. (which is questioning whether or not she's a muslim)

Are you a heretic?.... If you are a heretic, there is no point in rebuking you, since you have blasphemed against Islam, the Prophet, and the Koran...

Big mistake, Doc, you're not even in her league. She's not having any of that.

These are personal matters that do not concern you.....Brother, you can believe in stones, as long as you don't throw them at me. You are free to worship whoever you want, but other people's beliefs are not your concern.

Wonderful stuff. I'm sure the reference to "stones" sailed right over his head, because it's a reference to the stone in the Qa'aba in Makkah, as well as the ones that are used to kill adultresses. But he's been insulted by a woman, and he's reaching over to throttle her inside that box that she's speaking from.
____

truly. soft porn. (: wish i could write or say things like that.

choking on some water

2006-03-09T12:33:00.000+08:00

i take things too fast sometimes. even gulping down water. it always goes down the wrong way.

ulcers

2006-03-09T12:24:00.000+08:00

i have a gaping mouth inside my gaping mouth. and bloody hell, does it hurt!

okay, enough angst for a day, i have only myself to pile on the blame. i'm shovelling out a ton for myself.

the shit has hit the fan.

and i think i'm still dreaming and grasping at straws.

i don't feel 19. i'll be turning 19 in about 2 months. i always thought i'd be a tall thin thing, on top of things, with this gold aura exuding from every pore when i got to be 19.

i don't even feel 18. how do other 18 year olds feel like? do their brains think more or less the same things? do they lust over the same boys? i have no idea.

i think it's a bit horrid and hollow to be a bit different. you'll be envied but never included. and after a while, you wonder what it's like to be a little normal.

a little worm traipses in and out of my brain.

evermore

2006-03-06T19:04:00.000+08:00

evermore my heart, my heart will say

above all, i live for Your glory...

even though my world falls i will say,

above all, i live for Your glory...

i am a little bit high/sloshed because i stuffed myself with too many brandied cherries. too much too much! ergh, and now i'm paying for my greed.

I REPENT!

okay, i am peeved. yes, downright peeved. i look at my teensy feet and they're all scarred with the remnants of horrid blisters. for every new shoe i buy and put on to break into, i suffer at least 2 blisters. and can you imagine how many shoes poor ole shopaholic me has bought in her lifetime?

quite a few pairs comes my reply, if you're that dense. and that amounts to quite a fair number of blisters. and scars. and pain.

i can only wince at my stupidity for being vain and not practical. i suppose i could always have bought shoes that were wider (and uglier) and saved myself the trouble. but then again, you're only young (and stupid) once.

my assinine little habits.

last night, i watched the most SPLENDID show. i think it has bumped amelie off the list. not only is it adapted from my favourite book and written by probably the most intelligent and pertinent english female author (and y'all know i have a thing for british writers...zadie smith, kazuo ishiguro) who ever graced the victorian era, it is magical. there was this ethereal sort of sunlight - the kind that can only be achieved in your most surreal and idealized daydreams of the past. it was golden golden golden, dripping with gold, and brown and hazed greens and greys. oh i think i could spend one whole post waxing lyrical on how stone colours just capture my imagination and soothes this peculiar spot behind my ears.

-swoon. pride and prejudice.

okay, and i like keira knightley.

and i love mr darcy.

although i must admit, the last bit was a tad too saccharine for me. the whole mrs darcy mrs darcy bit. too soft for spitfire elizabeth bennett. i hate it when precocious protagonists turn placcid at the end. but all was forgiven because the entire movie floated past like a stream.

row row row your boat...

gently down the stream

merrily merrily merrily merrily

life is but a dream...

ronald is coming out of army. two whole weeks of ronald!

2006-03-05T19:05:00.000+08:00

i am rather perturbed now.

i worked on the missing nuryasura case - the 2 year old malay toddler who went missing on wed, 7.30pm in the macpherson area. it was a case of misadventure it seems - the toddler's body is believed to have been found under the aljunied flyover.

and the guy who allegedly killed her is none other than mohd ali - the stepfather.

wtf.

and i talked to him. and i KNEW something was amiss. a woman's instinct is hardly far from the mark.

there was definitely shifty eyes going on and weird vibes from the guy. very evasive, very unwilling to talk even though the family more or less opened up to the reporters there already. -_-

i am really rather sad for the family. i can imagine nonoi's granny (nonoi is the kid). she had such hopes that nonoi would be returned to the family.

i talked to a killer. possibly a killer - innocent until proven guilty. but i think i'm in a funk cos im just wondering why he killed her. what motive did he have? wht good could have come out of it all??

sigh. good night all.

lazy gun

2006-02-20T21:56:00.000+08:00

trooped down to ikea with ronald yesterday afternoon. at the behest of edna and phy, we let them come on the excursion too! haha it was really like a field trip because the two suakus have never set foot in the giant complex.

edna: ''next time, they ask for my address, i'll just put ikea.''

the rooms are gorgeous! i mean they put it there for inspiration for homemakers- but ikea should have this charity bonanza thing inviting people to live in a capsule. and people can donate money to those sporting souls! good way to earn money for a good cause. i think raffles city had something like that a few years back where someone stayed in a shop window.

oh gosh - it's desperate housewives on now.

anyway, I WILL NOT SIDETRACK. my room is gorgeous!

three words for you, loyal devotee of this sadly-maintained blog: books, cushions and music.
and the crowning glory? a disco ball that reflects little squares of light in all directions. (:

MAGIC!

ahhhhh.... breathe in breathe out. wax on wax off. i'm loving every moment spent here.
it's panacea for all my worries.

on the one hand...on the other...

2006-02-10T23:56:00.000+08:00

bloody hell - mind is like a blinking pendulum! am not liking this swinging back and forth! dichotomy - that's what people call it. limbo - that's how the catholics would describe my state of mind. half-way in between eternal life and eternal damnation, only that mine ain't that eternal.

i did QT yesterday at 1am. i'm quite happy i did it. after a hiatus - God is with me! but i haven't been actively chasing and running after God. must continually remind myself that i need to want to know Him to be a good and faithful servant.

today, at cell, we wrote down the BIG decisions we wanted to committ to God and we burnt them. i kept a carbon copy while the other fell to earth as carbon ashes. just for keepsakes - so i can remember what i pray for. i lack consistency in my prayers so i need to remind myself with a little something.

i am in need of sleep!

my ronald is out of tekong jungle! and he gives the all clear sign for footrot. yipee!

a book

2006-02-09T21:22:00.000+08:00

what are my talents? i don't quite know now. at least they're some hazy, amorphous mists that i can reach out but slip through my fingers. they really evade all my tentative grasping at thin air.

ah well - i can kind of settle on writing but the writing i do now is just in this blog, in the computer, in my workplace, in my reporter's notebook. what do i know about writing? what are my great achievements in writing?

i'm rather sang-froid, despite the fact i am a writer-destitute. someone without a home, a calling, who drift-writes, in the papers, on the blog, but nowhere really important.

bah.

sick

2006-02-09T21:16:00.000+08:00

domique nathan, the newsdesk editor told me to go home.

it felt like a scene out of american's next top model or something.

just that we're both not beautiful people, or wannabes.

i went home and had a glorious nap.

i suspect i ground my teeth again.

last night, i was grinding my teeth so loud that my mum slapped me awake in the middle of the night. i rolled back over and slept till the next morning.

medicine or journalism?

Super !

2006-02-08T22:18:00.000+08:00

today was quite a super day. i left work to go interview geri's friends so i went over to NUS and had a splendid time there.

i met ken kwek on the way to the taxi stand. he's one of the journalists working at SPH and he's at political desk. he's tall and gangly and has a very deep voice and a deep laugh. he laughed when i said i was going to NUS to interview some people. i wonder what's so funny though.

so i sat in at one of geri's lectures. had two lunches at NUS - one at the science canteen and one at arts canteen. arts canteen has exotic food! i had claypot beef with spring onion, same as geri's friend alvin. haha alvin has smooth skin and looks young for his age.

we met a church friend on campus who i found very familiar but couldn't place. [i'm writing very detachedly - i really wonder why] he was setting up the drums at the central forum.

so after the lecture, and lunch and retrieving my bottle which i left in the LT, we went to geri's hall! which is kent ridge block b. (:

her room is cosy (not small) and very welcoming. it's buttery yellow with light-brown wood. i love it! and i like that she knows everyone on her floor. and that ppl are very neighbourly toward each other and share a toilet. (:

oh yes, and i will not forget to mention that i saw my buddy and grandbuddy!!!! yes yes, we took a photo together. in fact the first person i saw when i walked into science block was my buddy wenkien aka joaquim. (: haha

i met qiantai and velda and...i can't remember his name. a guy who eats very cleanly - he left only a strip of capsicum on hs green plate. very impressive. he will get a pretty wife if that ole wife's tale holds true.

then i went back to the office after a squashy busride back to harbourfront. ang moh lady next to me was very amusing. when we disembarked, she suddenly barked " oh !oh!! it's harbourfront!" and scuttlebutt-ed! that's sonia's word.

anyway, it's ronald's 4th day out in the tekong jungle. i'm praying very hard he's healthy and not tired out. hope he's doing fine. i'm really worried about him cos i don't have any way to contact him.

other than that, think the day has been quite super!

weird saturday

2006-02-05T19:51:00.000+08:00

yesterday, i went to tutor edna. (: she's really improving in her math! but looks like her chemistry is in dire straits. but i hope she reads this. somehow. and like be encouraged! yay, she's improving. but still a long way more to go.

just like me actually. (:

okay, and then after tutoring her faithfully for two hours, i trotted over to the national library. i wouldn't say 'trotted over' - more like ergh! bounced on bus 133 to the national library. secondbrother says ye ole red brick library was the best. i FERVENTLY agree. i used to go there when i was sec 1 and 2, in the holidays. it smelt every bit how a library should smell like - full of history and character, to reflect a little bit of those musty books that it carries inside the heart of the building. it was so charming and the thought of going there, with that little crumbling white fountain at the back was ALLURING!

anyway, the bigbrother ran past and just said 'what's this penny lane?' which is the title of my blog. ergh- what a turn-off.

anyway, (i digress...) i went to the national library. found 4 superb books! the cider house rules by john irving (always wanted to read his books. have not got down to it yet); gentlemen prefer blondes by anita... something: it piqued my interest because the book-adapted movie version catapulted marilyn monroe to super stardom and cemented the stereotypical 'dumb blonde' we see in almost every chick flick; artist of the floating world by kazuo ishiguro (which would make it the second ishiguro novel i've read if i did borrow it) and deadeye dick by kurt vonnegut.

in the end, after flipping through all four, i decided to just borrow one book! because i always tend to sit on my books - and end up accumulating a lot of fines. so i borrowed deadeye dick. kurt vonnegut is an intriguing american writer - he sounds so cynical yet surreal. or rather, he sounds surreal yet cynical. it's interchangeable, really. he uses very interesting ways of expressing himself. which i think is essential for anyone aspiring to be the 'Next Great American Novelist'. it seems every struggling artiste is trying to be the 'Next Great American something or another'. not so much for Singapore.

at least, they're not acclaimed and holding household name-status. or maybe i haven't been paying enough attention!

lovelyyy. well, at the library i settled down to read thomas friedman's the world is flat on a plush cushion chair.this man in his early twenties, was lying SPRAWLED on the chair next to me. the chair can hold maybe two people, with their books and belongings on the chair. but he just sprawled on the entire diagonal length of the chair. HORRID!

what's more, every ten minutes he'll give out this almighty snore then fall silent. and after that, a group of inane school-girls will start giggling for five minutes.

snore.giggle.silence.wait 5 minutes. snore. giggle. silence. wait 5 minutes.

that was my entire 2 hour reading session there.

after that, bladder was pleading with me, so i left and was burdened no more by horrible sleeping man.

just a few weeks ago, LIFE! published something about semi-retired folk who were employed by NLB to shush those noise-makers, to wake those sleepers and to reposition those stragglers in the libraries.

when i was there, two librarians were parked in front of said sleeping man, arranging books. they did nothing though they witnessed his obstructive sleep apnea that was CLEARLY disrupting the peace and tranquility of the library!

instead, the school-girls were shooed away. INJUSTICE!

i wonder if this blog post is a tad long.

oh anyway, any recommendations for a digital camera that will be affordable and mid-end. not high-end?

the world is flat

2006-02-04T10:42:00.000+08:00

FINALLY!!!!!!!!!

i have finished more than half of the world is flat. it is rather fantastic, all 297 pages that i have read so far. i still have 170+ pages to go!

i need thomas friedman's brain. for all the wrong reasons - for personal edification, for the self-satisfaction of writing a socio-political treatise. summing up, for selfish reasons really. so i've reasoned to myself, that God gave me an average brain so i could keep on wanting to be brilliant and try so hard to mould it to become brilliant but only to end up a little further from where i first began: i would become slightly above average.

i think being stuck in the middle rut is the most horrible part of life. to be middle-class, average height, have average intelligence. you never win a slice of the pie, you never hold a trophy over your head and you never secure any social benefits because the state is forever (and will ever more be) concerned about the poor and down-trodden decrepit souls in society! so what do you get out of being middle really?

think about it - eating a roti prata. who on earth tackles the middle portion first? it gets messy and puts you off eating. so the middle is saved for the last, because it's better to leave them in the middle.

is my analogy right? it sounds a tad warped. but then again, blessed with good ole mediocre brains, i can come up with nothing better than that basted analogy.

i think i need thomas friedman's brain.

there's little we can do

2006-02-04T10:41:00.000+08:00

there's very little we can do,
a modicum of things, really,
if we wanted to change the world.

heelooooo world

2006-02-03T19:48:00.000+08:00

i have seemingly disappeared under the radar for a while. just disappeared under a very thick, husky rock, that's all, nothing to worry about.

hopefully, hibernated all my childishness away so here i am - out to face the world again.

i'm typing normal again. thank gawddd. because my job requires me to type reporter style which is so not my style. then again, when is it anyone's style unless one is Arnold Schwarnezzengger. (oops!)

which brings me to think that spelling errors are fantastic things! they are an indulgence! and i shall try to make accidental ones here since i can't at work.

it's great to work in the newsroom. people are buried up to their noses in work. which is what i need - people working around me or appearing to work around me. haw haw. makes me more motivated to work (or appear to work) too.

i'm waiting for my photo to be uploaded into NICA (which is where all the photos go to after they've been uploaded into the straits times system). it'll probably take really long so i've decided to skip home and go straight to david's granny's funeral wake.

thank the Lord i wore white and black today. or else, i will never live down the time i arrived at sister in law's dad's wake in black shirt emblazoned with a neon orange pooh bear.

damn that cheery ole pooh bear - u can't not forgive him!

L y n n

2006-02-01T15:02:00.000+08:00

L is for the way you look at me
Y is for the way you yawned at me
N is for the way you nod and sneeze
N is for nothing and everything all the same

Lynn is the sweet name of you
Lynn is more powerful than super glue
Two of us glued can make it
Take my heart and please don't break it
Love was made for me and you

-love, ronald

yesterday once more

2004-09-26T20:52:00.000+08:00

it's more inspirational to type stuff here. the font that appears in this little white space is absolutely divine! bovinity divinity, ben and jerry's. which makes me think of bovine somatotrophin and BamHI and plasmids. oh lovely DNA tech! without you, biology would be a chore, since it's already naturally a bore.

anyway, this is fine, to blog in blogspot. i have returned to my roots once more and i will start afresh, once more. crystal clear, through the curtain of rain.

take me away - lifehouse

2004-09-26T13:25:00.000+08:00

This time all I want is you
There is no one else
Who can take your place
This time you burned me with your eyes
You see past all the lies

You take it all away
I've seen it all
And it's never enough
It keeps leaving me needing you

Take me away
Take me away
I've got nothing left to say
Just take me away
I try to make my way to you

But still I feel so lost
I don't know what else
I can doI've seen it all
And it's never enough
It keeps leaving me needing you

Take me away
Take me away
I've got nothing left to say
Just take me away

Don't give up on me yet
Don't forget who I am
I know I'm not there yet
But don't let me stay here alone

This time all I want is you
There is no one else
Who can take your place
I've seen enough
And it's never enough
It keeps me leaving me needing you